I did not like to be touched, but it was a strange dislike. I did not like to be touched because I craved it too much. I wanted to be held very tight so I would not break.Marya Hornbacher (via akkachan)
I think of you in colors that I wish I didn’t see anymore. Black and blue, I’m so blue for you. Blue as this sky that has nothing to do with what I’m thinking. I sink like a stone into drool when I dream of you—I’m a child and I need you like birds need a sky to fly home to you. I gnaw at your knees my arm around your leg your hand on my head my heart pumping red that I spit back up for you instead. Your eyes on my eyes, will you put me back to bed?
I think of you in shadows that sit next to me on trains. In bathrooms and bars. You’re brushing your teeth at the sink - I’m saving you this seat. I stick to you like your fingers inside of me crawling like roaches that reach my throat and I’m dropped into quicksand I’m left to choke. The drinks you were pounding you crying so loudly, my face in the mattress I can’t stand the sound and I’m soaked in your blood now, the maggots have found me.
I love you always. ln all ways and seasons. The heat wave that came when the sidewalks froze over. A swarm of bees coming for me—the twister in the meadow that killed all the daisies I think I’ve gone crazy. You remain in me. This dreaded melody. The song I will never sing. I had to burn everything. The fire in our room that went out too soon—one thousand reunions we knew we were doomed, your ribcage at noon the flowers just bloomed and five hours later completely in ruins.
I loved you like I won’t love anyone again. A love that broke me and left me for dead. A love that you spit in my face that I swallowed whole and it died in me. This love turned to shit right inside of me. One planet crashing into another—In a dream you came to me you couldn’t help my melancholy our whiskey sky a lullaby, you’re the soundtrack to my memory. Everything is madness. This world has no color. Just black and white channels with outlines of lovers, the rain falls as vomit my words are just garbage. Tell me in our next lives we’ll be good to each other.
How do you reign in the character’s eccentricity ? Well, I had to be prepared to let people dislike her at times because she’s a bit of a bitch, but at the same time, she’s gorgeous and she’s funny and she’s silly and you sort of feel for her. You kind of sense her confusion about who she is and her life. She’s very, very vulnerable, I think, underneath all of that stuff. I just had to work very, very hard. Sometimes I would say to Michel, “Let me know if I’m not going enough. Let me know if I’m going too far.” And more often than not, he would be pushing me further. I was so terrified of being over the top and he would just say, “No, no, no. More, more, more.” And I’d be like, “Really ?” He’d go, “Yeah, it doesn’t matter. Just do it, just try it.” That was fantastically liberating. When you do classical period films, you don’t get the opportunity to do that. It’s a more subtle approach.
I remember riding in a taxi one afternoon between very tall buildings under a mauve and rosy sky; I began to bawl because I had everything I wanted and knew I would never be so happy again.F. Scott Fitzgerald, My Lost City (via youlooklikesomethingblooming)